Jack Bauer Fact List

Fact # of Votes Rating
Fact # of Votes Rating
Henderson wasn't the one who assassinated Palmer--Jack Bauer was holding a gun in his sleep and pulled the trigger, shooting a bullet that travelled dozens of miles over the span of several minutes before hitting Palmer square in the melon. Bauer never misses his shot. 204 4.01
Jack Bauer once wanted to be a serial rapist, but he kept splashing the milk out of the bowl. 468 4.19
Mr. DiVenuto once ate seventy five pizzas. He took a six foot two shit named Jack Bauer and Java was created 329 4.22
THE EASIER WAY FOR JACK BAUER TO KILL NINA WAS TO TAKE OFF HIS PANTS. HIS DICK WOULD STAB HER INSTANTLY AND KILL HER. 254 4.28
Jack Skellington took his first name after Jack Bauer because of the fear associated with that name. Shortly thereafter Skellington joined the realm of the dead. 114 4.28
At Chase and Kim’s wedding, Jack drank a gallon of Vodka from a plastic jug and proceeded to puke all over his daughter’s wedding dress while giving her away just because he needed to have a moment. 598 4.45
Mr. D once created Jack Bauer using Java, and the computer bombed 299 4.47
Jack Bauer's fart is the sole cause of global warming 469 4.50
abs(Jack Bauer) Infinity. 314 4.51
Jack Bauer can choke the shit out of Miles Papazian with his bare hand... I feel sorry for Jack's penis.... 144 4.54
Jack Bauer challenged Eddie Guererro to a wrestling match. Jack Bauer won the match with a frog splash from the top rope. 549 4.62
Jack Bauer has killed prisoners, tortured suspects, and used less than civil tactics all in the name of national security. Yet he has never been punished; for it would take an Armageddon to punish Jack Bauer. 233 4.65
Jack Bauers willy is bigger than yours. 314 4.65
Chuck Norris Jack Bauer .. end of discussion 557 4.67
Jack Bauer is really from the planet 'Krypton' 294 4.69
Jack Bauer's dick is so big they made a movie called Godzilla vs Jack Bauer's dick. 324 4.73
Jack Bauer can get The Cosby Mysteries back on TV. 416 4.73
Jack Bauer had a pet cat named simon. There was no irony involved. 582 4.75
One day, Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris got into a fight to find out who was greater. After figuring out they were equal they decided to team up and fight a greater evil. Tony Danza had better watch his ass. 382 4.75
Jack's always right. If Jack says 1+1=3, then 1+1=3. If Jack Bauer says you're dead, you're dead. If Jack Bauer says that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a sissy tutu wearing nerdy weak good for nothing sissy, then Arnold Schwarzenegger is a sissy tutu wearing nerdy weak good for nothing sissy. 252 4.78
Jack Skellington took his first name after Jack Bauer because of the fear associated with that name. Shortly thereafter Skellington joined the realm of the dead. 108 4.80
Jesus Christ never rose from the dead, it was Jack Bauer in disguise. The Vatican has neither confirmed nor denied this, but there are talks of replacing "Amen",with "Jack Bauer" 143 4.83
The main room in C.T.U. headquarters is relatively large to ensure that Jack Bauer's ego fits inside. 311 4.83
Diamond brokers swarm to contact Jack Baur every time he has a bowel movement. 207 4.83
Jack Bauer does not need any explosive devices because he’s already “Tha’ Bomb”. 600 4.84
After eating a 1 chimichanga, 2 enchiladas, 1 carne asada taco, and a torta, Jack Bauer immediately rushed to the restroom, pulled down his pants, and said “Terrorize this!”. 581 4.86
Only reason Chuck Norris is alive is because Jack Bauer needs someone to make fun of because GOD got boring to make fun of. 582 4.86
Jack Bauer makes the Manson family look like the Partridge family. 289 4.88
In January 2007 Jack Bauer will release day 6 of 24. It's code name "Building Rome". 245 4.91
Jack Bauer eats Marine pussies like Wayne Palmer for breakfast and right now, he is quite hungry. 257 4.91
During an interrogation, Jack Bauer ripped off the suspects head and yelled into the exposed esophagus, “I’M JACK BAUER!!!” This caused a chain reaction of the stomach exploding due to an overflow of testosterone and crap soaked walls. 619 4.92
On the black market, Jack Bauer's seed goes for $36,623,000,000 (or 980,000,000 chickens) per liter. 325 4.92
Jack Bauer once ate an alligator and didnt explode. 529 4.93
After Jack Bauer drank Jobu's rum, Pedro Cerrano gave up baseball, voodoo, and changed his name to David Palmer. 244 4.96
Vote for Pedro (Jack Bauer did) 246 4.96
The reason Joe Mauer leads the Batting title chase is cause he knows Jack Bauer will kill you if you're name ryhmes with his and you aren't the best at what you do 112 4.99
Jack Bauer disproved Einstein's theory of relativity. 306 5.03
Jack Bauer refuses to wear pads when playing Hockey or Football. 308 5.03
Jack Bauer doesn't like Sara Lee. 192 5.04
Jack Bauer can kill superman with a single bullet (not a kriptonite bullet) 126 5.06
jack bauer once shot a pirate in the leg...but it was his wooden leg, and they both had a laugh about it for a while. then they went to a bar to play the 24 drinking game. once the pirate was nice and wasted, jack bauer choked him with a burrito. 580 5.06
The shirt you are wearing is really Jack trying to get information on you and your terrorist family. Quiet, don't let on that you know, or he'll blow his cover and shoot you in the leg! 572 5.07
If you kill Jack Bauer, he will come back to life within one minute and kill you. 255 5.08
Jack Bauer can squeeze through spaces that would make a spider claustrophobic. 595 5.08
When Jack Bauer walks into CTU, everyone looks the otherway afraid to stare him in the eyes. 561 5.08
When Jack Baurer farts, time stops. 560 5.08
Jack is so good at disguising himself, that he once became President of the US just to get a better feel of how to protect future Presidents. He organized the scandal of Watergate to end his term early when he was done with his research. 579 5.08
Jack Bauer could take on all the Smith's at once, and win, Neo's a pussy. 293 5.10
Tired of the incessant whining and complaining, Jack Bauer found the dogs and let them right back in. 549 5.11
Jack Bauer can submit 10,000 awesome Jack Bauer facts in 1 hour. 303 5.12
Jack Bauer once ate his own face just to show how truly awesome he is. 567 5.12
Jack Bauer brought down the Berlin Wall. 252 5.13
Atlantis had nuclear warheads aimed at Washington D.C. Then Jack Bauer arrived. 188 5.14
Jack Bauer won the Indianapolis 500 in a rickshaw pulled by Chuck Norris. 423 5.16
Old Faithful, located in Yellowstone National Park, is actually caused to erupt by Jack’s blood pressure. 593 5.16
Jack Bauer's nickname for Chuck Norris is "Aloysius Q. Vagina-Muffin". 572 5.16
When Jack Bauer masturbates, God kills a whole species of cat. 601 5.19
Jack Bauer can drive from West L.A. to the middle of Simi Valley in 20 minutes during lunch/rush hour traffic. 337 5.19
Jack Bauer was able to get Madonna tickets. Now Madonna is opening for Jack Bauer. 204 5.20
Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503. 571 5.20
In the midst of war between the Titans and the Olympian Gods, Jack Bauer captured Atlas and forced him to hold up the world until he told him who was plotting against Zeus. After Atlas cracked, Jack rushed off to inform Zeus and on his way out said, "Don't move until I get back." Atlas is still waiting for Jack to get back. It is also a well known fact that earthquakes are caused by Atlas shaking with fear when he thinks Jack is coming back. 541 5.21
Jack Bauer actually wrote an episode of Three's Company in which there was no misunderstanding in the plot. 536 5.21
4 years ago Jack Bauer picked up an addiction to heroine just so he could beat the crap out of it. (This is exceptionally funny because at the time this was written, the author was unaware that Jack Bauer actually did do heroine). 536 5.22
Jack Bauer can beat Contra without the classic Konami code. 330 5.23
Jack has dated every woman under an assumed identity at some point in time - including your girlfriend and your mother. 574 5.24
Jack Bauer donates his victims to Feed the Children. 531 5.24
Jack Bauer's primary objective is finding out the primary objective of every living person ages Zero to death, of which he is already 87% complete. When he finishes, he will move on to his secondary objective: killing every man, woman, and child that has ever played Jenga 520 5.26
jack bauer has evidence that the Pope was behind everything that happened in the last 23 hours 240 5.27
Jack Bauer was a major reason why David Palmer was elected President. Not just because he saved Palmer's life several times during the California primary, he accompanied Palmer on campaign trips and glared at voters, scaring them into voting for his man. 558 5.28
Jack Bauer can waltz in 4/4 time. And he can do the minute waltz in 3 seconds. 310 5.28
Jack Bauer could drink 24 gallons of milk in an hour without throwing up if wanted. He chooses not to because the calcium would make his bones so strong he would instantly kill anyone he touched. 291 5.29
Jack Bauer eats C4 and poops terrorists. 569 5.29
Jesus Christ never rose from the dead, it was Jack Bauer in disguise. The Vatican has neither confirmed nor denied this, but there are talks of replacing "Amen",with "Jack Bauer" 134 5.30
Jack Bauer Makes Nissan Micras Break The Speed Limit 404 5.30
The heat generated from Jack Bauer's chest could heat several third world countries. 489 5.30
Jack Bauer is so powerful, he can make cats land on their back and butter land butter side up. 391 5.31
Needing a cover story to infiltrate South America, Jack Bauer single-handedly created the illegal drug trade. The secret ingredient in heroin that makes it so addictive is Jack Bauer's concentrated armpit sweat. 547 5.32
Jack and Nina actually had a kid. A book was written about him called 'Revelations'. 569 5.33
Jack Bauer once shouted that he needed access in the CTU office. Misunderstanding his intentions every woman in the office immediately lifted her skirt and bent over! 120 5.33
The only thing elephants used to fear was mice. Until they hurt one of Jack Bauer's friends. 571 5.34
Jack Bauer is coming... run. (Well, that won't really do anything. It's worth a try though.) 233 5.35
Every time Jack Bauer fails a mission, God kills 6,000,000,000 people. 318 5.36
It is commonly assumed that Jack Bauer performs all his bodily functions off-camera. Actually, Jack Bauer modified his bodily functions shortly before the start of season 2 - he sweats urine and bleeds feces, which accounts for 75% of his screen time. He is one nasty mofo. 583 5.38
Jack Bauer never worked for CTU. CTU worked for him. 192 5.39
The National Bankruptcy Review Commission was formed in 1970 to form a new bankruptcy code. It was not enacted until 1978. If Jack Bauer chaired the committee, it would have taken 24 hours. 548 5.40
Jack Bauer has killed prisoners, tortured suspects, and used less than civil tactics all in the name of national security. Yet he has never been punished; for it would take an Armageddon to punish Jack Bauer. 227 5.41
US press release: Facilities at Guantanamo Bay are now to be known as "BauerDisney".....and you do NOT want a ticket! 468 5.42
Jack Bauer never goes on the internet because all the information on the web is was already inside Jack Bauer's mind. Al Gore was jealous of his intellect. This is why Bush is president. 249 5.42
Jack Bauer has killed prisoners, tortured suspects, and used less than civil tactics all in the name of national security. Yet he has never been punished; for it would take an Armageddon to punish Jack Bauer. 243 5.44
Jack Bauer ALWYAS wins Who Wants to be a Millionair without using any lifelines. 278 5.44
Jack Bauer has never lost or tied in a game of Tic Tac Toe. 318 5.45
Jack Bauer's mornings usually start with a trip down his slip-and-slide lined with razor blades followed by a dip in a his pool filled with rubbing alcohol. He likes to dry off with a towel made from sandpaper. 573 5.46
Jack Bauer is a natural athlete, he can shoot, steal and run 296 5.46
Jack Bauer taught Hellen Keller to read and write. 402 5.46
The reason why Stalin is dead is because he looked Jack Bauer in the face. 224 5.46
Jack Bauer once spoke without whispering. Ask Sri Lanka what happened. 585 5.47
Chuck Norris originally made anyone handicapped who parked in a handicapped spot. Jack Bauer came along and killed Chuck Norris and will kill anyone who parks in a handicapped spot. 586 5.49
Jack Bauer is the sole editor of every article on Wikipedia. 253 5.49
Jack Bauer doesnt call the president the president calls Jack. 186 5.49
Concerned that his dog would break under interrogation, Jack Bauer snapped his neck and turned him into the bag which he still carries to this day. 584 5.50
Most diamonds today are manufactured by placing coal Jack Bauer's hand before an armwrestling match with Chuck Norris. 330 5.50
Moses did not part the sea. The sea parted because Jack Bauer walked by. 224 5.51
Jack Bauer doesn't use his x-ray vision because he doesn't need it. 567 5.51
If the earth exploded, jack bauer would just move to mars 230 5.52
Jack Bauer once ate a whole wheel of cheese. No one questioned him. 554 5.52
When Jack Bauer was 5 he tried to buy a balloon at the carnival. They ran out of balloons. Jack still got a balloon. 220 5.52
from what has been seen, Kim Bauer's boyfriends are missing body parts... coincidence? 549 5.53
In the interests of national security, Jack Bauer procreates with as many women as possible. 491 5.53
Come 2008, all video games in which you play the villain will have an updated "Game Over" screen. This screen will feature Jack Bauer. 313 5.53
Jack Bauer's enemies are called "terrorists" because they are terrified of Jack Bauer. 322 5.53
On Jack Bauer's say-so, the film Gigli would cease sucking. 603 5.54
Superman used to be able to fly, until Jack Bauer ripped his spine out in an interrogation 321 5.54
Jack Bauer once took a girls virginity... twice! 379 5.56
Jack Bauer's saliva is bullet-proof. 585 5.56
Jack Bauer treats a heart attack like he treats a runners stitch; he ignores it. 536 5.57
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Jack Bauer told it to you dumbass. 345 5.57
When Jack Bauer wants your opinion he will shove it down your throat till you vomit it up! 101 5.57
Jack Bauer's tears cure cancer and resurrect the dead. But Jack Bauer never cries. 189 5.58
Jack Bauer never uses a bullet-proof vest. Instead, he relies on his mane of chest hair to stop any bullet that tries to penetrate his skin. 556 5.58
Jack Bauer prefers steel wool underwear. 315 5.58
Jack Bauer turned all the Smith's into Jack Bauer's, Neo ran away. 275 5.58
Jack Bauer can kill Ganon without the Master Sword. 268 5.58
The moon is actually a kidney stone Jack Bauer had removed. 207 5.58
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with " Jack Bauer". 564 5.59
Since Jack Bauer is trying to keep a low profile, he will find you, rip your fingernails off and shove them into your eyeballs if you state any more facts about him. 593 5.59
Jack Bauer doesn't need to use the toilet because he beats enough shit out of other people! 264 5.60
Jack Bauer is most happy when his death count for the day exceeds 1,000. 586 5.60
Jack Bauer finds prevailing with a 0% chance of success easy. 331 5.60
WHen you create a program named Jack Bauer, it will run forever 330 5.60
Jack Bauer can eat five times his body weight in terrorists. 568 5.61
Jack spent years inside the Nazi death camps, honing his prison-breaking skills. When asked why he didn't help the other prisoners, Jack replied, "I do NOT have time for this". 594 5.62
Jack Bauer knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop. 192 5.62
Jack Bauer tortured Blackberry executives to reach a settlement so he could use his in Season 5 to contact Mike Novick. 244 5.64
Jack Bauer can watch every season of 24 on DVD in 24 hours. 450 5.64
Jack Bauer must constantly remain under a high level of pressure from his job, or else he will explode into the 47 men that comprise him. 331 5.64
Screw the hokey-pokey. Jack Bauer is what it's all about. 123 5.65
Coffee cannot start it's day without being drunk by Jack Bauer. 566 5.66
Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris’ patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Walker: Texas Ranger's head! 545 5.67
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroine, heroine was addicted to Jack Bauer. When Jack found out about this he proceeded to pick it up and throw it across the room. Heroine hasn't fucked with Jack since. 139 5.68
To Jack Bauer the freedom of information act is a license to maim and torture... in the name of freeing information! 115 5.68
Jack Bauer doesn't shave his whiskers; he uses a hammer to pound them into his face and chews them off from the inside. 242 5.68
Jack Bauer's charcter is loosley based off of Chuck Norris. I say loosely because Jack Bauer isn't gay, kills more people faster, and doesn't have FLAMING RED HAIR! 432 5.68
Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth. 582 5.68
David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles. 590 5.69
While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors. 547 5.71
Jack Bauer lied to the devil and got away with it - we now celebrate this occasion as easter. 538 5.71
Jack Bauer knows the wrong way to eat a Reese's Pieces. 353 5.71
Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for. 606 5.71
When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill. 392 5.71
If Jack Bauer was Irish, England would be called Bauerland. 309 5.72
After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask,"Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me." 575 5.72
The dinosaurs rolled out 65 million years ago cause they heard Jack Bauer was coming. 546 5.72
Jack Bauer once told God he needed access, the event has since been referred to as "The Big Bang." 543 5.73
Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to do. 402 5.73
This one time at band camp Jack Bauer killed a 10 year old terrorist. 346 5.73
Jack Bauer would win the World Series of Poker because nobody bluffs Jack Bauer. 248 5.74
Jack Bauer doesn't need to DVR 24, the commercials skip themselves. 508 5.76
Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fucking Bauer. 555 5.77
They say it takes 50 days to go around the world...it takes Jack Bauer 24 hours to do it. 480 5.77
Jack Bauer killed Dumbledore 235 5.77
It might not be nice to fool mother nature, but it is just plain stupid to piss off Jack Bauer! 374 5.78
Jack Bauer doesn't celebrate holidays, holidays celebrate Jack Bauer. 220 5.78
Gas prices go up during a crisis because the government needs to pay for Jack Bauer's cell phone bill. 257 5.78
Rome wasn't built in a day, but only because Jack Bauer wasn't around to build it. 127 5.79
MC Hammer was wrong. Jack CAN touch this. 196 5.80
When Jack Bauer guest starred on an episode of "South Park", Kenny didn't die. 171 5.81
Jack Bauer's sweat is the main ingredient in Viagra. 296 5.81
Ray Charles only came away with blindness after Jack Bauer shot him in the face, nobody tells Jack to "Hit The Road Jack." 577 5.81
Jack Bauer has had sex with every woman in the world, including Chuck Norris. 565 5.82
Jack Bauer won a game of pictionary.... without drawing anything. 241 5.82
Jack Bauer starts on world 8-4 when he plays Super Mario Bros. When Bowser sees Jack Bauer coming he jumps off the bridge, preferring lava instead of fighting Jack. 432 5.82
Jack Bauer knows all the digits of pi. 201 5.83
Even Jedi Mind Tricks cannot phase Jack Bauer. 379 5.84
Fuck Bob Marley. Jack Bauer shot the sheriff. 408 5.84
Terrorists always have to ask someone to check under their bed for Jack Bauer before they can sleep. Even when they're in prison. 321 5.86
Jack Bauer once survived a nuclear bomb by just staring down the oncoming blast. 438 5.87
If you are a terrorist and you live in LA, Jack Bauer WILL kill you. 242 5.87
Just because Jack Bauer shows up with jumper cables doesn't mean someone called Triple-A. 504 5.87
The entire defense budget of the USA is used to keep Jack Bauer in supply of cell phone batteries. 233 5.88
You don't give Jack Bauer your opinion, Jack Bauer gives you your opinion. 258 5.88
Jack Bauer once played Lance Armstrong and Chuck Norris in a "who has the most testacles contest". He beat them both by a combined total of 46. 590 5.90
Jack Bauer does not pull out. The girl must know when to push away or else its her problem. 595 5.91
Jack Bauer is the only person to know for sure if Tupac is dead or alive. 391 5.91
Terrorists go to prison for protection from Jack Bauer. It rarely actually works. 304 5.93
When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down. 550 5.93
Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”. 559 5.93
Jack Bauer's semen single handedly caused the overpopulation of China. This is the real reason the Chinese want Jack Bauer. 134 5.93
The reason it is forbidon to show Muhammud's face is becuase they dont want Jack Bauer to recognize him. 423 5.94
Jack Bauer is the reason Hitler committed suicide. 373 5.94
Jack Bauer doesn't need anger management. Anger management needs Jack Bauer 267 5.95
Guns don't kill terrorists, Jack Bauer kills terrorists... 273 5.95
Jack Bauer once bit a zombie. It turned into Tony Almeida 558 5.96
Every time you blink Jack Bauer kills a terrorist, not because you blinked, but because that how many terrorists he kills. 399 5.97
During the last scene of season 3 (when Jack cries), hell froze over. 306 5.97
There's an old saying: kill one, you're a murderer, kill a thousand, you're a king, kill em all, you're Jack Bauer 175 5.98
Jack Bauer shot Helen Keller in the knee to make her talk. 315 5.98
Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar… 580 5.99
Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum. 561 6.00
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and had a gun with 2 bullets, he would shoot Hiter and Stalin so they wouldnt have to see what he did to Nina. 251 6.00
jack bauer's calander goes from march 31st to april 2nd, because jack bauer is nobody's fool 193 6.01
If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live. 601 6.01
The reason there is no life on Mars is because Jack Bauer has been there. 174 6.02
In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa. He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list. 558 6.03
President George W. Bush submitted a letter of appreciation to Jack Bauer and the writers of 24 for making a more unlikeable president than himself. 605 6.03
Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once. 577 6.03
Jack Bauer fired Donald Trump. 326 6.03
They orginally planned to have Jack Bauer in a sex scense with Teri Bauer, but the producers had to cut it because it took all 24 hours. 423 6.04
A Jack Bauer action figure is more intimidating than most weapons. 329 6.05
John Lennon, JFK, and MLK Jr. all tried to hit on Jack's daughter Kim. The moral lesson is obvious. 560 6.06
Walgreens makes a Jack Bauer laxative, and it kicks the shit out of everyone. 271 6.06
If Jack Bauer crawls out of an air-conditioning duct and sees his shadow, it means that there will be 24 more hours of terrorists getting shit-hammered. 610 6.06
Jack Bauer knows every bone in the human body... because he's broken every one. 589 6.07
Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds. 577 6.07
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars. 557 6.08
Bullets don't kill Jack Bauer because they're afraid to. 570 6.08
The State of the Union Address was originally scheduled for Monday night. Jack Bauer made the President change it to Tuesday. 551 6.09
Jack Bauer once stared at a woman for 30 seconds and got her pregnant. 576 6.09
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay. 586 6.10
Stalin once said: "The death of one is a tragedy. The death of millions is Jack Bauer having a bad day." 192 6.11
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you. 626 6.14
Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists. 554 6.14
Chuck Norris is a Texas ranger only because Jack Bauer wont allow him to be a federal agent (Submitted by jonnykane). 613 6.14
"When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong-- or you're Jack Bauer." 299 6.14
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it. 594 6.15
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink. 587 6.16
You are better off if Jack Bauer is not aware of your existence. 221 6.16
Everybody makes mistakes. Except Jack Bauer. 304 6.18
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact. 574 6.18
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life. 568 6.19
When Jack Bauer plays Deal or No Deal, the banker ALWAYS offers him a million dollars. 304 6.20
Twice, the Grim Reaper has come for Jack Bauer. Both times it ran away screaming. 319 6.20
When life gives Jack Bauer lemons, he uses them to kill terrorists. 168 6.20
The only reason you're conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you. 551 6.20
Jack Bauer can win at chess after being checkmated. 323 6.21
Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation. 583 6.21
Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself. 549 6.22
What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed. 585 6.23
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars. 558 6.23
Jack Bauer won the lottery without buying a ticket. 235 6.25
Jack Bauer is 100% energy efficient. That's why he never uses the toilet. 428 6.25
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris. 583 6.27
It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent. 595 6.28
When Jack Bauer goes to church to pray, he simply goes up the the priest and says, "Put him through." 592 6.30
Jack Bauer once chased an explosion down a corridor. 202 6.30
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball. 563 6.31
If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re fucked. 550 6.31
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice. 567 6.32
Jack Bauer can speak Braille. 283 6.32
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer. 600 6.33
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive. 564 6.34
Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies. 601 6.34
Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John. 350 6.36
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus. 566 6.37
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk. 558 6.38
Jack Bauer doesn't wash his clothes. He tortures them until they're clean. 581 6.39
If Jack Bauer was on Brokeback Mountain, there would be no gay cowboys, just dead ones. 412 6.40
Jack Bauer was once shot. The bullet was killed on impact. 584 6.40
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables. 536 6.41
When you are fucking your wife and she is thinking about Jack Bauer, its ok, because so are you. 347 6.41
Jack Bauer once fell asleep. Then 9/11 happened. 289 6.42
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer. 590 6.42
WHEN JACK BAUER WANTS TO PRAY, HE SIMPLY TELLS CHLOE TO PATCH HIM THROUGH TO GOD 225 6.42
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer. 535 6.44
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help. 574 6.44
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out. 589 6.44
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness. 573 6.45
If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever. 566 6.45
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade. 572 6.45
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell. 575 6.45
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30. 554 6.45
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent. 564 6.46
Strippers tip Jack Bauer. 579 6.46
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer. 599 6.46
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight. 585 6.46
Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed. 386 6.47
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun. 542 6.48
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. 571 6.49
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas. 396 6.50
What goes up must come down. Except for Jack Bauer, if Jack Bauer wants to stay up, he can fucking stay up. 215 6.50
GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure. 619 6.51
Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. 581 6.51
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it. 594 6.51
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out. 541 6.52
Jack BAuer's calendar goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No-one fools Jack Bauer. 188 6.52
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice. 594 6.54
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life? 574 6.54
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer. 587 6.56
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys. 612 6.56
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead." 531 6.59
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves. 595 6.60
Chuck Norris told Jack Bauer that he only killed 15 people cause he ran out of bullets. Jack told him he only killed 93 people cause he ran out of people. Then Jack snapped Chuck Norris' neck into 24 pieces. 600 6.60
Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor within 24 hours. 162 6.62
When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. 590 6.63
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef. 545 6.65
Terrorists dread the day in October that Daylight Savings Time ends. Jack Bauer gets 25 hours in which to kill them. 187 6.66
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. 573 6.67
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas. 577 6.68
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away. 590 6.69
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men. 561 6.70
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry. 597 6.72
Jack Bauer once strangled a man with a cordless phone. 196 6.77
Terrorists dread the day in October that Daylight Savings Time ends. Jack Bauer gets 25 hours in which to kill them. 216 6.83
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back. 614 6.88
If everyone at CTU listened to and did everything Jack bauer said, the show would be called 12. 402 7.10